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Caddy: Hmm, Mario Kart anyone? (holds up Mario Kart Wii) (Beat) No? Erm, Crash Team Racing? (holds up CTR: Crash Team Racing) (Beat) No? Nah? Hmm. Uhh, Star Wars: Super Bombad Racing? (holds up Star Wars: Super Bombad Racing) (Beat) Not even that? Okay, you deliberately just trying to annoy me? Okay, then what's your great idea then? (Beat) Rascal Racers? Hmm. Never heard of it. Seems kind of adventurous, doesn't it? (puts Rascal Racers into his PlayStation) We're diving into new territory here! A-ha! I wonder if it's any good? It wasn't. It really, really wasn't.

Caddy: Greetings and salutations, my beautiful people! And I am Caddicarus. But you guys can call me Caddy, because you know, "Caddicarus" is a bit, you know, it's a mouthful. (text that says "it's a mouth-full" appear on the bottom of the screen) And I know, that talking about and reviewing and discussing retro games has already been done to death, and that was the topic that Jontron kind of scratched over. But in my case, my generation were a few years forward. So my earliest memories of gaming and my true nostalgic routes are actually in the PS1. But anyway, let's dig into Rascal Racers and see why it shouldn't exist.

Caddy: (holds up Rascal Racers) Picking up a game like this is in itself, a (stock photo of mountain climbers on a snowy mountain backdrop) dangerous and exciting expedition. You may come out of it with a (pictures of subject in question appear over the stock photo) rare gem and valuable life experience, or an ancient piece of fossilised mammoth dung with nothing to show for it (red cross covers the screen). Even though they're quite valuable...hell, Whadda' I know, eh? (text appears that says 'Whadda' I know, EH?') And this IS an ancient piece of fossilised mammoth dung. That you accidentally ate, somehow. And let me tell you, I have NOTHING to show for it. Just the fact that I payed real, you know, MONEY for this game STILL mystifies me. Hey, big deal, I was ten and I liked Sunny D. Judge me. So why waste any time talking about it? ... Well, I can think of plenty. But I need to purify myself and review this bitch. Le-he-het's gooo!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-right let's play some Rascal Racers. A ha, Miracle Designs. Jesus made this game? Are you Jesus, guys? Are you sure about that? I don't think you are... (text appears that says 'I don't think you ARE...') Just go have a long look in the mirror and you WON'T SEE JESUS (text appears that says 'WON'T SEE JESUS' and a red cross covers the mirror). And in the UK this game was distributed by Midas Games who were well-known for such classics like: Truck Racing; Equestriad 2001 and All-Star Tennis. Hey, yeah (text appears saying the same thing). Oh hey hey hey (music stops) wait a minute what's this, what's this? 'Over 30 PlayStation titles available'. Well, THAT'S FUN. Why have I got one? I want more than one. I want the collectio-- I want all thirty of them. I want them on my shelf. I want more than one! This isn't fair! Do you know what, life fucking sucks! A game that looks as innocent as that, it can't be that bad...couldn't it? I mean, it seems harmless enough you have a dragon and a chipmunk racing in go-karts through the snow on the front cover. And the title is kinda like Ridge Racer Revolution. (The background becomes space and spins) Alliteration feels so good, wouldn't you agree? And even proof of how rascally these races are by having the dragon stick it's tongue out. He's clearly a sore loser! What more hijinks could be POSSIBLY involved?

Well, there isn't a plot of some sort so I won't even bother with commenting on the story. Because there isn't one. YEA. I guess they knew they were only going to mess that up, so it's safer that way. The story is kinda like sex. And the lack of it is kinda safer. Stay in school. Get a decent education and...make something of your life. You have 10 racers, two of them are unlockable. Unfortunately, they're not actually DLC, you have to actually play the game. (Weird laugh) They are all whimsical animals with whimsical names. Unfortunately they were even too cheap to alliterate the names. Biiiiiiggg disappointment. We have Argyle the Aardvark, and yet we have Paulie the Beaver. Shameful. Oh, wait wait wait wait. This is a kids game right? What kind of names are...what?!

So, what's the goal? To win all 9 - yes, 9 - races that split over 3 (yes, 3) environments. Beat the snake, win the tournament, and cry over your wasted time. Sound fun yet? Well guess what, it isn't. Well (claps once), one word you will notice me using a lot in this review is: meh. Meh, (Caddy's voice becomes higher-pitched) meh meh meh. So just be ready for that, okay? And I'm gonna pick the raccoon. Cuz you know, I'm a badass. You have the city, the forest, and an icy place. That's it. It looks okay, and the characters look okay, but it's all uninspired and just bland stock graphics. And that's what makes them worse than what they already are. Think about the original Super Mario Kart on Super Nintendo. Now make it more 3D. That's all. No special environmental hazards, nothing in the background, you get the odd hill every so often- whoa, shit, I didn't see that! ...but they are all the same, just coloured and shaped differently-oh my god, a bridge! Nothing more to add. Nothing.

In terms of design, again, it's very meh. And by the way you liking this music? Get used to it. These are the only two tracks in the game. Title screen, boom! Racing. Now before the "fans" of this game start raging some hormones at me, I am certain that there are more songs than this, but when I came back to record the game play for this video, the other tracks friggin' ran away before I could pounce on them.

The tracks are all basically the same, boring, flat design. They go around and come full circle. That's it. No hazards, gaps, holes, nothing. Just bog-standard, dull, stock race tracks. The sound effects and music are dull, soulless, and again, stock. It's all just the left-overs of older racing games out into a blender. And it ain't tasty.

The controls are stiff, momentum is wrong, turning is wrong, it all just defies physics and natural racing gamer instincts. And, there was one thing that shocked me so much, I couldn't speak for the rest of the week. I spent an hour of my time to finish this game, and what do I get? Well, how about the ability of not being able to save the game? I will say that again - NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE THE GAME?!

Caddy: What were they thinking?! Christ on a bike!

Caddy: As far as gameplay goes, again, it's very meh. Firstly, it's far too easy. I understand this is a much more younger-orientated kind of racing game, but this makes 3, 2, 1 Smurf! look Contra. On go carts. In a forest. With the Smurfs. You get Time Trial, Arcade and Tournament. HIDEOUS! The weapons give you no satisfaction, and when you're in front, and get a shield, DAMN, IS IT BORING. No-one will EVER catch up to you, and even if they could, they could harm you anyway! It's just a huge punishment for winning. Might as well play it on your own. Oh, speaking of that, did I mention that there is no multiplayer mode? NO MULTIPLAYER MODE?! NOT EVEN ON THE ARCADE MODE?!

Caddy: WHAT KIND OF RACING GAME AM I PLAYING?!?! I'll tell you what kind. (puts on sunglasses) A bad one.

Caddy: The only thing salvageable about this game is it's loading time. It's as quick as all hell. It's worth it for if your waiting to go out, and you want 5 or 10 minutes to occupy your time. Just pop this bitch in and immerse yourself in non-stop and crazy action. On your own. Because of no multiplayer. And then do it all again. Because you can't save it. Fuck this game! I paid money for this game. And it is easily one of the worst racers on PS1 ever. Nope, I stand corrected, worst racers of all time.

Caddy: My advice, stay away from this game, and don't let your inner child tempt you to get it. It's not a good game, a fun game, or even so bad, it's good. It's just bad. (he throws the game away) Shit.

This transcript is somewhat complete.